writeonthebay

angry

In On My Mind on December 6, 2010 at 9:53 pm

I am really not looking forward to tomorrow. Scratch that. I am, officially, dreading tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will attend a memorial service for a 20-year-old — Alyssa Salazar. She and her boyfriend, Evan Kullberg, were killed on December 3, trapped in a fire. So so sad. So horrific.

When I moved past disbelief that the vivacious girl who babysat my children and couldn’t wait to become a school teacher was gone, I was mostly sick. As in, I really just wanted to throw up.

I cannot imagine the pain and despair her parents are going through. I’ve been thinking how angry they must be. Then it occurred to me today that while her family may indeed be angry, I am angry.

I want to blame someone for a woodstove flue pipe overheating. I want to blame someone for constructing an apartment building without a window for her to jump from. I want to blame someone for the lack of functioning smoke alarms. I want to blame someone for emergency responders not getting her out of the building in time. I want to blame someone for a 20-year-old young woman and a 23-year-old young man being snuffed out. I want to blame someone for Alyssa dying on her birthday.

All that potential gone. All that hope and excitement about the future left in the ashes.

There was a vigil at Frostburg State University yesterday. The headline of a story covering the service said the university community was focusing on the future after the tragedy. I suppose that’s nice for them.

I’m sure I’ll do plenty of crying tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll think of my dad’s funeral.

But my husband and I get to go home and hug all of our children. And that’s not going to happen for the Salazars and the Kullbergs. And for that, I am still angry.

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  1. So sorry to hear she was someone close to you. I read about that story. Let the grief come. Peace.

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