Archive for September, 2010|Monthly archive page

In Family, friends, On My Mind on September 29, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Outside it’s dreary and wet, and I’m glad to stay in, alone with my baby and his propensity for show-stopping diaper changes.

Staying home in the rain is good for soul searching. Staying home in the rain is good for pondering this mixed bag that is life.

And a mixed bag it’s certainly been this year. I keep repeating to myself and anyone who will listen, “I had a baby. We moved. My dad died,” as if this mantra will help me make sense of emotional upheaval. Such simple little words with so much wrapped up into them. “I had a baby. We moved. My dad died.”

It’s bittersweet, this mixed bag. And I keep thinking there must be some lesson it. There’s got to be a lesson it, right?

This I know is true. I keep going. Slowly, perhaps. In a haze, often. Some days it’s treacherous and heartbreaking. Others it’s golden and euphoric. And most days it just is.


goofy dance

In Family, friends, On My Mind on September 15, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Lately I’ve had this feeling. It’s a good kind of feeling to be sure. I suppose it’s coming because I’m getting more rest now than I have for the better part of a year, or because I’m feeling more like an interesting person and less like a food source, or because I feel my post-partum bod getting stronger, or because cooler weather means I get to hang out on my fabulous deck, or because there are so many awesome people in my life I want to spend time with that I’m having trouble fitting them all on my calendar, or because it was a rough summer and I’m ready to plan some fun.

This feeling that I get when Madeleine lunges after a soccer ball protecting her team’s goal, or when Dax sits with a paper and pen intent on writing letters correctly, or when Richard gets a picture hung on the wall without me asking him to get it done, or when Jean-Paul shoots me a slobbery grin, or when I think about making gumbo soon — it’s like I need to do a happy dance.

I really do feel like dancing sometimes. Just because it feels good. Just because I’m happy.

I haven’t actually started dancing when this feeling comes on, but next time I think I will. I know, I’m goofy. But if you’re one of those awesome people I’m getting onto the calendar, you know I’m a goof. And I think you love me anyway. Or maybe you love me because I’m a goof.

So if you see me dancing around like the goof that I am, you’ll know why. And maybe you’ll even join me.


In In Other Words, On My Mind on September 7, 2010 at 10:07 pm

Maybe I’m having a mid-life crisis, like all those affluent 40ish family men buying high-end racing bikes.

Maybe I’m ready to move on from all the indignities of pregnancy and post-partumdom.

Maybe I’m mourning my dad.

Either way I’ve been feeling the need to be audacious. I suppose it might seem silly, or even mundane, to someone else, anyone who’s already tackled the challenges I want to take on.

But mainly I want to prove to myself that I can set myself to a task and accomplish it without hiding behind any kind of “I can’t”.  I won’t be asking permission, and I won’t be worried about what anyone else thinks I should be or do.

Life is short, and fear is only going to waste my time.